2 february. Talking is the worst of my sins

Almost a month has passed and I feel like I changed into an irrecognisable person while feeling that I am nothing but the same. Some nights ago I had a panic attack that left me empty, all night I could only see my door, it was closed, but every time it left my sight, I could feel it open, dark and letting everyting inside. I don't really know what this means, but I know that my brain has been working overtime this past month... so many things are happening, things that make me very anxious and making me desire to feel pain and hurt myself, I am being strong though, so that's something.

Also my parents have been talking about parting ways, the constant fighting and threats are making me feel like im already a child of divorce (but they are not married so not even that) so that's another thing i can share i guess, not even my family has been calm!!

The other day a friend of mine told me that I am as cool as a bat and I can't stop thinking about it ^^ It just makes me happy that my friends see me in the things I like. He has been a great help lately, so I'm grateful for his words and all he does to support me. I really like talking to people, too much, maybe. I often get this feeling that wanting to talk to someone is embarrasing, like, why I am craving talking to someone, isn't that weird? I think it is. I think I talk too much, and I love it if it isn't obvious by me having this blog, but in here I feel calm, like I can just let my mind run free, when I want to talk with another person, it feels wrong, like talking is bad, I feel terrible guilt and embarrasment when I get the urge to messsage one of my friends.

I am loving coming on here and checking your messages, and adding new things every couple of days, if you didn´t see my updates section, I have added three new main pages: Photography, videos and I added a quizzes page because I think they are really fun!! If you do them you are welcome to share your results with me!! I want this page to be more interactive, add things that people can do other that read my yapping, I added the polls here in the main page which has been fun, but I want to have more things to do, if there is something you would like to see please tell me via chat, guestbook or my mail!!

4 jan. The difference between the inner and the rest

Since my last blog post I feel like I am a completely different person. I´ve been having a lot of thinking time, to understand what it is that I want and feel, I've been thinking about my emotions so much, I feel like I have my heart on my hand everyday. Exposed, for everyone to see. However, I also know that I am hiding so much and it is so difficlt to show those whom I care about my insides. My brain is overworked, actually, For working so much, thinking about my situation as a human being, it is very difficult to explain. And on that same note, I really need to learn how to express myself, I might be ruining my life for not being able to talk, I don't think anxiety is an excuse anymore, even if im shaking and nauseous I should be able to say what I want to say. That is my 2025 resolution.

ALSO a new year just started wtf!!! I started this entry with my depressing life instead of welcoming the new year, which I wish for everyone to have a wonderful one filled with all you love and want.

Another thing I wanted to talk about is this very page, I am extremely happy with all the new things I added and how it's looking! Also I'm very happy to log in here and see your messages in the chat box, please don't be shy and say hello or whatever! I love reading it ^^

This week has been crazy, the ghost that lives in my house is scary, but I actually miss them now that i am staying somewhere else with an evil one lol ( I might upload an entry about my ghosts)

I've been thinking about time a lot, how the days move too fast for my liking, how time seems to escape my hands and I can't stop it, I want to stay where I am. How do you feel about change? Do you embrace it or are scared of it? I would like to read your opinions ^^

So yeah, my update for this last month is, I am so scared of everything but I want to change, trying to improve myself is all I really want.

26 nov. Finally acting upon my wishes.

This last weeks I felt something change on me, I decided to start doing things that I always wanted to do, that I dont know why I was neglecting. Thinking about it, I think in has to do with the bug in my mind that hates me and loves murmuring on my ear about how I am lazy and that I am wasting my time. I am trying to learn that doing what one loves is not lazy, is an act of self love, and I should be proud of it.

So first of all, I decided to open myself to meet new people. I do have friends who I love dearly, but I wanted to meet new kinds of people, one thing about me is that I love learning about others (that is why I spend so much time reading other peoples blogs) so I started to talk to new people, to connect with potential friends, and I've met really cool people so far!! with similar interests to mine and it's been so much fun!!

Also, and the thing I'm most excited about! I started recording videos! little snippets of my daily life, very unprofessionally and casual but I am having fun with it!! I havent uploaded anything yet, but when I do I'll probably create a tab in the navigate section with all the videos for you to watch if u want!!

As for my day to day, its been very calm, studying for exams next month and sleeping a lot, I obviously have procrastination problems, but I don't think I can be cured of them lmao, they are way to engrained on who I am, it is really painful and it is connected to deeper problems with myself but it is easier to just kinda ignore them. There's been some problems in my family that are breaking the already fragile dams that are containing all the shitstorm, I am scared of the moment they break. But for now, I'll enjoy my peace.

Can someone recommend me some bands? Specially small ones that you think deserve more recognition!! I enjoy the punk scene, but any rock and metal is fine, I am still trying to build a music style with things I truly like!!